


Only Human

by MilkMoustachesAreCool



Category: Nothing Much to Do
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Getting Together, M/M, Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-28
Updated: 2015-06-29
Packaged: 2018-04-06 15:53:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4227816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MilkMoustachesAreCool/pseuds/MilkMoustachesAreCool
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Honestly…” began Balthazar carefully. He looked at Pedro and suddenly his eyes were filled with pity. “I think it was that you actually believed what everyone said. About you being an ‘All Round Great Guy’. You really started to think it was true. Thing is Pedro, there’s no such thing as an ‘All Round Great Guy’. Not in real life.”</p><p>How Pedrazar got past the party incident and moved on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Confronting Pedro

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Pedro Should Always Listen to Balthazar Because He's Just Right](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2232456) by [yellowviolets](https://archiveofourown.org/users/yellowviolets/pseuds/yellowviolets). 



> Partially inspired by this notfic ^^^ because I also felt that Pedro really needed some redemption, especially if he was going to end up with someone as amazing as Balthazar.
> 
> First chapter is really long, sorry! The rest should be a bit shorter. Hope you enjoy! :)

Pedro was calm when he knocked on Balthazar’s door. He knew he had been in the wrong, but he had already apologised to the people it mattered most to. Balthazar would forgive him. Balthazar had probably already forgiven him. He might not even have been annoyed in the first place. After all, it had been nothing to do with Balthazar, and all Pedro had really done was listen to his brother – hardly unforgivable. With these thoughts in his mind, Pedro smiled easily when Balthazar opened the door. He wasn’t prepared for Balthazar’s reaction though.

“What do you want Pedro?” Balthazar asked, a hint of impatience in his voice. Pedro was a little taken aback, but that was okay, he would apologise and it would all be in the past.

“Look Balth, I know I screwed up,” he began. “I feel really bad about how everything went down. But you’re my best friend, and I need you. Please forgive me?” There. That should do it.

But Balthazar still didn’t open the door wider to let Pedro in. He didn’t even meet Pedro’s eyes. What was going on?

“Alright Pedro,” said Balthazar. What did that mean? Did that mean he was forgiven? Why wasn’t he letting Pedro into his house though? “I’ll see you later then,” he finished. What? See you later? Was he still annoyed?

“Wait, Balth, can’t we hang out or something?” asked Pedro, frowning. He didn’t understand what was going on here.

“Uh, honestly Pedro, I don’t really want to hang out right now,” said Balthazar, finally looking up.

“What do you mean you don’t want to hang out?” asked Pedro in utter confusion. Balthazar had never said no to hanging out with him before. What was going on here? “Have I done something to upset you?”

Balthazar looked up incredulously. “Have you done something to upset me? You’ve done something to upset everyone man. And just because you come around here and call me your best friend and say you feel bad doesn’t mean I’m just going to forget about it, okay?”

“Yeah but I mean, I’m sorry man, I’m really sorry. But it wasn’t even my fault really, I mean John told me outright – how was I supposed to know he had it in for me? And I literally saw it happen in front of me – obviously I know now it was a trick, but how was I supposed to know that then?”

Balthazar shook his head, biting his lip a little as he tried to stop himself from blurting out everything that was in his head at that moment. “That’s not the point though is it?” he asked carefully. “I mean, you know Hero man. And you know your brother. You’re always saying how sketchy he is, what made you believe him over Hero?” Pedro opened his mouth to interrupt but Balthazar was on a roll now and couldn’t stop himself. “Even putting all that aside though, the problem isn’t that you believed John over Hero. It’s the way you and Claudio handled it. Why did Claudio talk to you and Ben and the whole internet about it before he talked to Hero? Why did you support that? Why the hell didn’t you listen to Ben? And how the hell did you think that Claudio screaming at Hero in front of all her friends, at her birthday party – her sweet sixteen – how did you think that was a good way to handle it? God Pedro. Saying you’re sorry doesn’t change what you did," finished Balthazar, running his hand through his hair.

Pedro was silent. He was completely stunned. Balthazar could understand why. He was usually very friendly to Pedro, and always careful about what he said. Mostly due to the enormous crush he’d had since Year Nine. Pedro had never seen Balthazar get carried away like that, much less at himself. But no matter how in love with Pedro Balthazar was (and yes, much to his annoyance, when he opened the door and saw Pedro smile he had to admit that he was still in love with him) nothing excused the way Pedro had acted, and Balthazar wasn’t going to forget it easily. Not even if his stomach had done several somersaults when Pedro said, “I need you.” 

The silence stretched on for a moment or two. Pedro was too stunned to say anything and Balthazar had already said far more than he was used to saying to anyone, let alone Pedro. Balthazar was usually the quiet one. He threw out the odd joke or anecdote now and then but in general he was happier just to observe. People watching made for great song-writing material. So everyone knew that when Balthazar spoke it was worth listening to.

And Pedro was listening. “So…how can change what I did?” asked Pedro finally.

Balthazar sighed in exasperation. “That’s the point man, you can’t change it. You did it. You were in the wrong. You have to live with that now. If you’re really sorry about it, you’ll think it over, think about where you went wrong – and trust me, there were a couple of places – and try to figure out how to make sure you don’t make any mistakes like that in the future. Then you’ll think about how you can possibly make up for what you did and spend as much energy as you can on that. If you’re not really sorry though, you’ll make excuses about how all you did was believe your little brother, and just throw the word sorry around a bit to show everyone you’re still an 'All Round Great Guy'. The choice is yours, man.”

Pedro was silent for another moment, thinking over everything that Balthazar was saying. He had been shocked – even upset – at first, but he wasn’t going to let Balthazar write him off. He had to make this right.

“Alright, well where did I go wrong?” asked Pedro, not defensively as Balthazar had expected, but sincerely. He really wanted Balthazar’s input and advice. This softened Balthazar up a little and he finally gave in and opened the door a little wider, to allow Pedro in.

“Would you like a list?” he said over his shoulder as he led Pedro through his house and out into the back garden where they could sit and talk. He raised his eyebrows pointedly to emphasise his words.

“Let’s just stick with one for now, and see how we get on,” Pedro said a little sheepishly as he sat down on the swing set in Balthazar’s garden, gently rocking himself back and forth, his eyes trained on Balthazar who was leaning against the shed wall, arms folded. He may have invited Pedro in but he was still a long way away from letting everything go back to normal. “What was my biggest mistake?” continued Pedro. “My fatal flaw? My Achilles’ Heel?”

“Honestly…” began Balthazar carefully. He looked at Pedro and suddenly his eyes were filled with pity. “I think it was that you actually believed what everyone said. About you being an ‘All Round Great Guy’. You really started to think it was true. Thing is Pedro, there’s no such thing as an ‘All Round Great Guy’. Not in real life.”

More silence as Pedro contemplated Balthazar’s latest statement. Was Balthazar right? Had Pedro believed his friends and their silly nickname for him? He had certainly denied it when Bea first used it, saying that she was overselling him, but was that just because he felt obligated to be modest? Everything Bea had described him as was true – ladies’ man (girls at school definitely tended to admire him), top of his class, team captain, achiever of excellence. He hadn’t been sure what she meant by achiever of excellence but he knew that he was the only one who could stop Ben and Bea from fighting, and that was excellence in anyone’s book. Everyone liked him. He was the guy that everyone listened to, all he had to do was speak and people would pay attention to him. He was, to a certain extent, the leader of their little group of friends. Was he wrong to believe on some level that he was an ‘All Round Great Guy’?

Pedro couldn’t even read the expression on Balthazar’s face anymore when he said that. It was like a mixture of sympathy, disbelief and exasperation. And a certain element of hurt.

“Being a great guy isn’t about the things you’re good at, Pedro,” he said slowly, trying to make sure that every word sunk in. “It’s about the things you do. The kind of person you are. Being a ladies’ man doesn’t mean anything when none of those ‘ladies’ even know you. Being smart means nothing if you weren’t even smart enough to figure out that John might be lying and Robbie might have tricked you. Being captain of the football team only makes you good at soccer, not a good guy. There’s a difference between being a likeable person and being a good person. Just because you can smile and keep conversations flowing and make new friends easily, doesn’t mean you’re trustworthy or honest or fair. And as for being the person everyone listens to, that’s the reason that what you did was so wrong. Because people listen to you. They listened to you when you told them Claudio was right. John might be the reason Claudio turned against Hero, but you’re the reason the rest of the school did. They listened to the captain of the football team, the student leader, the ‘All Round Great Guy’ that is Pedro Donaldson and you led them wrong. You’re the reason Hero’s Facebook page is filled with abuse. You can’t undo that. And you can’t take it back.”

“So what you’re saying is you don’t think I’m a good guy at all? That you’re writing me off after one awful mistake?” asked Pedro, getting a little defensive.

“I never said that,” corrected Balthazar. “Honestly, even before this all happened I don’t think you were that great of a guy.”

Pedro gaped. Balthazar had always seemed to like him. Pedro had thought of Balthazar as his best friend and now what, Balthazar had never even liked him at all?

“I’m not saying you were all bad,” continued Balthazar, back to choosing his words carefully. “But you weren’t as great as everyone thought you were. As you thought you were.”

Pedro was still gaping, unable to even form the words to defend himself, so Balthazar just kept going.

“I mean, don’t you think there’s a reason John had it in for you? Yeah I know he said it was just because he was sick of living in your shadow, but if you were really a good guy you wouldn’t have left John in the shadow, you would have brought him out into the daylight. He’s the same age as us Pedro, and you never ever invited him to hang out with us or to be part of your friend group. And you were never even nice to him – have you watched Ursula’s videos? The one from the football match, with the Year Nines, they asked if you were John’s brother and you were very eager to specify half-brother. And you were annoyed at him later when all he did was ask for the keys because he wanted to go home. And I get it, it must have been tough when your dad brought home another son, but if you had been able to welcome him properly and treat him as an equal, a friend, all of this could have been avoided.”

“So what you’re saying now is that it was all my fault?” asked Pedro, finally able to get some words out.

“No,” said Balthazar, getting exasperated. Was Pedro purposefully misunderstanding him at every turn? “Obviously other people did terrible things too and made awful decisions, I’m just saying you need to take responsibility for what you did to contribute to the situation – everything you did. And that starts long before Claudio thought Hero was cheating.”

Pedro was silent again as he tried to make sense of everything he had heard in the past few minutes. Balthazar stayed quiet for now, letting it all sink in. It was important that Pedro hear this from someone, and he was the only person who had spent this much time observing Pedro. And while he didn’t exactly have an objective view, he wasn’t biased completely against Pedro since the events of Hero’s party, like Bea and Ben were. He was confident that he could get Pedro to listen, and that he could explain the bad without losing sight of the good.

Finally, out of nowhere, Pedro chuckled a little bit. When Balthazar met his eyes though, he realised that this chuckle was not out of humour but out of desperation.

“So do I have any redeeming qualities then?” asked Pedro, a half smile still on his face, but not in his eyes.

Balthazar rolled his eyes. “Oh my God, stop misunderstanding me,” he exclaimed. “I never said you were all bad, just that you needed to realise the bad decisions you’ve made and the consequences they’ve had on the people around you. Of course you have good qualities as well, it’s just that you’re not perfect, like you thought you were – like everyone thought you were. You’re still a really nice guy, you’re friendly to everyone, you accept everyone, no questions asked. That’s really important to me because a lot of people wouldn’t accept me the way I am. You’re fun to be around, you’re able to diffuse a tense situation, you have the most amazing ideas, like getting Ben and Bea together, you’re a hard worker and you’re not afraid to put the energy into the things you want. You’re not afraid of anything really, which is pretty amazing to someone like me who’s afraid of so much. You have so many redeeming qualities, but today you don’t need me to tell you how great you are, you need me to tell you where you went wrong. And that’s what I did. It doesn’t mean I don’t still lo – think of you as my best friend, it just means I’m not afraid to say the hard things when they need to be said, and today they really need to be said. Gotta be cruel to be kind sometimes man,” smiled Balthazar.

Pedro thought about these words for a few minutes.

“You were annoyed at me when I arrived though,” Pedro left the statement hanging, waiting to see how Balthazar would respond.

Balthazar looked at his shoes. He had been upset with Pedro. He was still a little upset – no, not upset, just not entirely comfortable around him yet. Yes, his stomach was full of butterflies, but his mind was full of doubts. How to explain this?

“Honestly man, that’s something you’re going to have to get used to for a while,” he began, still inspecting his shoes. “When you took Claudio’s side, you didn’t just hurt Hero – obviously you hurt her, and really badly. But you hurt all your other friends as well.” He paused there for a moment, not sure how to go on. He couldn’t look up at Pedro because he knew that Pedro would look so hurt that Balthazar would just want to comfort him, but now was not the time for Pedro to be comforted. He needed to hear this. “It’s like – it’s just that, well, if you were convinced by John that Hero – one of your oldest friends – did something awful, and you didn’t defend her or stick up for her in anyway, in fact you made it worse for her. And if you could do that, what’s to stop you doing it again in the future? To one of us? To me? Yes, you’re my best friend, but it’s going to take me a while to completely trust you again, Pedro. I don’t want to put myself in a position where – I don’t want to give you that power over me, to hurt me like you hurt Hero. Not when I know now that there’s every chance you would, only it would be so much worse, because Hero’s just your friend – just a friend through Bea, you guys weren’t that close before so your betrayal wouldn’t have hurt her as much as it might hurt – someone you’re closer to. Basically what I’m saying is you’re going to have to spend some time earning back my trust – not just my trust, everyone’s trust. You hurt everyone with what you did, to a certain extent, and you have to acknowledge that.” Balthazar finished lamely, still staring at his shoes, cursing himself in his head. He wasn’t even sure if anything he had just said made any sense. And the amount of times he had almost blurted something about his feelings out in that little speech was ridiculous. He needed to be more careful. But Pedro needed to know where he stood, even just in terms of their friendship.

Balthazar finally looked up from his shoes to find Pedro staring intensely at him. Yes, he looked hurt, but he also looked like he truly felt awful about his own behaviour – like the extent of the damage he had done was finally sinking in. He looked at Balthazar as if he was hoping that the sheer force of his emotions in that moment could take away all the hurt he had caused, but obviously it couldn’t. This was so different to his unconcerned, self-assured attitude from earlier. Balthazar had to admit that it did help a little to know that Pedro was finally beginning to understand.

“Balth – I don’t know what to say,” croaked Pedro eventually, after what felt like an eternity of eye contact that was saying so much more than their words ever could. “Obviously I feel absolutely awful about everything I’ve done, all the hurt I’ve caused – just everything. I think – I think I need to go, just go and really think about everything you’ve said for a while. By myself. I want to put this right and it’s going to take a lot of soul-searching to figure out how. I just – I need you to know how sorry I am. Really, genuinely, sincerely sorry. I know it doesn’t really help anything, but it’s still true.”

Balthazar nodded. “It does help a little,” he conceded, with a small smile. “I think it’s a good idea for you to think by yourself for a while,” he added. “Maybe give me a call if you need to, or when you’ve figured some stuff out.”

Pedro nodded as he stood up, heading for the door. Balthazar showed him out and watched him as he walked down the street, head hung low, clearly deep in thought. Good. He needed to do a lot of thinking. But Balthazar allowed himself a small smile when Pedro turned the corner – he had already mostly forgiven Pedro, and could even feel himself to start trusting him a little again. He knew that he would never be able to stay angry with Pedro for long.


	2. Bonding with John

Pedro opened the door to his house and nearly walked into John as he entered, still completely lost in thought. Balthazar’s words were swirling through his head, but when he saw John, glaring at him as he tried to take the trash out, some of those words in particular came to mind.

“I mean, don’t you think there’s a reason John had it in for you?”

“If you were really a good guy you wouldn’t have left John in the shadow, you would have brought him out into the daylight.”

“You never ever invited him to hang out with us or to be part of your friend group.”

“You were never even nice to him.”

“If you had been able to welcome him properly and treat him as an equal, a friend, all of this could have been avoided.”

“Hey John,” said Pedro impulsively, these words running endlessly through his head.

“What?” asked John shortly.

“Do you want to hang out for a while?” he asked.

John just stared at him for a minute. “Why?” he asked finally. Not in a sarcastic way, but as though he was genuinely curious why Pedro would want to hang out with him.

“Why not?” shrugged Pedro.

“Why don’t you hang out with your friends?” asked John suspiciously.

“I don’t want to hang out with them, I want to hang out with you,” replied Pedro.

John paused for a moment again, before he sighed and shrugged his shoulders. “Why not?” he muttered to himself, and he followed Pedro into the living room.

They sat awkwardly in silence for a few minutes, before John eventually caved.

“So what’s up man?” he asked, trying his best to sound casual, like they were just two normal brothers hanging out.

Pedro paused for a moment, then finally opened his mouth.

“So, I had a really long talk with Balth today,” he began, then smiled a little subconsciously. “Well, more like he had a long talk at me, but it was all stuff I needed to hear. And he suggested that maybe I’ve been a bit of a shit brother, and I sort of realised that he was completely right, and I guess I just want to try and fix that a bit, if I can. If it’s not too late.” He looked over at John, his eyebrows raised as though he was asking if that would be possible.

John just looked back incredulously for a minute.

“You think you’ve been a shit brother?” he asked finally. “I thought you wanted to give out some more about how awful I’ve been. I think if anyone here gets the title of world’s shittest brother it’s me. I literally tried to make all your friends hate you – and I actually succeeded for a minute. I think I’m the one who needs to fix things.”

Pedro nodded, conceding the point. “Yeah but in fairness, if I had been a better brother to begin with, you wouldn’t have wanted to ruin my life and make my friends hate me.” John still looked sceptical. “I guess we’ve both got reasons to feel guilty,” continued Pedro. “Maybe we should just call it a tie?”

John laughed and nodded. It was still awkward, but at least they were getting somewhere. They spent the next few hours just sitting and chatting, stopping occasionally for food. They went from trivial matters such as school and TV to the deep subjects such as the problems at the core of their relationship and back again a number of times. By the time they were both getting tired, they felt a lot closer as brothers. They both felt better about everything in general.

“So you and Balthazar eh?” asked John eventually.

Pedro looked up, confused. “What do you mean?” he asked.

John laughed. “You’re kidding right?”

Pedro just shook his head, his eyebrows still furrowed in confusion. What about him and Balthazar?

“Well it’s just you seem to get on pretty well with him. And I think if anyone else had said the things he said to you today you would have bitten their heads’ off. It must be a pretty special guy that gets Pedro Donaldson to shut up and listen for a while,” said John good-naturedly.

“Yeah well he’s my best friend,” replied Pedro simply. “Of course I listen to him.”

“Okay,” said John, a knowing smile on his face that Pedro couldn’t miss. “I’m going to bed, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Yeah, night,” said Pedro as he too went down to his bedroom. He was still mulling over what John had said, while snippets of Balthazar’s speeches from earlier in the day were also running through his mind. It took him a surprisingly long time to realise what John had been implying, but when he did, he sat bolt upright in bed.

He jumped out of bed, ran across the hallway and opened John’s bedroom door.

“You mean –” began Pedro, not finishing his sentence.

“Yeah,” nodded John, smiling, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“But I –” he trailed off again.

“Yeah.”

“Shit.”

“Not necessarily.” John raised his eyebrows, looking pointedly at Pedro.

This had given Pedro a whole new set of thoughts running through his mind and it was becoming too much, he didn’t know what to focus in on.

“Night,” he muttered as he walked back to his own bedroom like a zombie.

“Night!” called John happily after him, as though it was all some big joke. Which to John, it probably was.

As much as Pedro’s brain was begging for rest that night, he barely slept a wink. He had too much to think about, and as soon as one topic left his mind a new one would pop in. Too much had happened in the past twenty-four hours and it was too much to think about. He couldn’t put anything straight in his head.

After hours of tossing and turning, however, he had reached one conclusion: regardless of his new revelation regarding him and Balthazar, the most important thing to focus on over the next few days was putting everything right. He had already apologised to Hero and she had forgiven him, but he realised now that that just wasn’t enough. And there was no reason even thinking about Balthazar now until he had set everything right, because Balthazar had told him that day that he couldn’t trust him again yet. He needed to fix that before it was too late. It was the most important thing Pedro had to do, and he decided then and there that he wouldn’t stop making up for everything and trying to earn everyone’s trust back until he and Balthazar were back on the right page. After that, maybe he could start think about changing the page again.


	3. Telling Balthazar

Over the next while, Pedro seemed to spend all his energy on righting the wrongs he had done. He didn’t say anything to anyone, but Balthazar could see the changes in him. He no longer automatically took charge of any situations, instead he sat back and let his friends do the planning and take control. He made a point of listening to everyone’s point of view whenever there was an argument – even if it was just the flamingo debate again – instead of just shutting it down or changing the subject. Despite all his efforts, however, he couldn’t stop Balthazar’s words from running around in circles in his head. Weeks later they were still there, making him feel awful because he was just watching TV instead of helping someone or fixing something. He had made all the amends he possibly could but it just never seemed like enough.

When the party at the Duke’s house came around, Pedro really didn’t want to go. Unfortunately, attendance seemed to be obligatory and he didn’t really have a choice. At least John was being forced to go as well – recently he’d spent so much time with John he was starting to feel more comfortable around him than with his friends. John at least understood what it felt like to mess up and not be able to change what you’ve done. Plus, it was hard for him to be around his friends these days because he just ended up overwhelmed with guilt whenever he saw them, hence his reluctance to go to the party.

Nonetheless, that evening he ended up in the Duke’s house, being dragged up to Hero’s room by an overenthusiastic Ben, who was desperate to put an end to Pedro’s recent gloominess. Being around Ben didn’t make him feel any less guilty than any of his other friends. True, Ben hadn’t really been hurt in the whole Hero debacle, but Balthazar’s words still rang in his ears – Ben, like Balthazar, like all his friends, had no reason to trust Pedro anymore. Besides that, Pedro had been forced to admit to himself that his whole ‘Team Love Gods’ idea was a little less about helping his friends, and a little more about helping himself. If he was being completely honest, his plan had really been for them to fall for each other, but never be able to admit it because they were both too proud. They would both love the other, but they would think that the other hated them and would laugh at the idea of a romantic relationship. Like Beatrice had laughed at him. He was pretty sure that subconsciously, he had wanted Bea to know what it felt like, and wanted to get back at Ben for being the only guy Bea had ever noticed, by dooming them both to experience unrequited love like he had. After all, the only reason Ben and Bea had actually ended up together was Ben’s actions after the whole Hero debacle. That had brought him and Bea so much closer that they couldn’t deny their feelings anymore. It wasn’t really to do with any silly meddling he had instigated. The only real result of that had been a few weeks of heartache and denial for two of his so called closest friends. How he had ever believed in the ‘All Round Great Guy’ image was beyond him now. Since his talk with Balthazar, that nickname had started to elicit a physical response in Pedro, which is why he snapped so suddenly at Ben when he called him that.

Ben seemed to think that all Pedro needed was a girlfriend (or boyfriend, he added mentally) to make him feel better. Pedro knew better. The only person who could make him feel better was the one who had made him feel this bad in the first place. (That was unfair. All Balthazar had actually done was point out what Pedro had been too stupid to see. It was Pedro’s fault that he felt this way now, and Pedro’s fault alone). Anyway, he could barely look Balthazar in the eye anymore, the guilt would just overwhelm him completely. So Ben’s efforts, while valiant, were still misplaced. Until, that is, he said the one name that Pedro had never expected to come out of Ben’s mouth in this context.

“Balthazar.”

Pedro looked up at Ben suddenly, unmasked terror on his face. How had Ben known? Had John said something? But when he looked at Ben he realised that Ben wasn’t looking at him, but behind him, at the door. Pedro whipped his head around to see who was standing there. When he saw Balthazar he jumped out of his seat immediately. It was as though his first instinct was to run away. He didn’t though. He just stood there, looking at Balthazar like an idiot (which, of course, Ben commented on), his stomach doing somersaults.

He had finally settled down a little when Balthazar asked what they were talking about. Ben seemed to be beating around the bush, unwilling to answer the question for some reason. Maybe he had actually guessed about Pedro’s feelings and wanted to spare him? But Pedro was suddenly struck with the urge to see what Balthazar’s response would be – maybe he could gauge what Balthazar was thinking.

“Ben here was trying to set me up with a girlfriend,” he blurted out.

Balthazar blushed and looked down – a good sign? “Ah yes,” he said, looking up again. “Or, or a boyfriend,” he added. The look on Ben’s face was priceless. He certainly hadn’t been expecting that. Of course Balthazar had been the first (and only) person Pedro had actually told when, about a year ago, he realised he might possibly be bisexual. He had told Balthazar because he knew Balthazar would be understanding about how difficult it was and might even have tips about coming out and stuff. In fact, that was probably what had made them so close to begin with. Of course Pedro had been completely obsessed with Bea, so he had never even considered Balthazar in that way back then. Things were very different now though, than they used to be. Pedro realised he didn’t even mind Ben knowing that he was bi. He didn’t even mind the internet knowing. It was kind of freeing.

He and Balthazar went on discussing different boys they knew while Ben just frowned in the background, trying to figure out what was going on and how he had not realised that Pedro was bisexual. Pedro was even gaining some confidence – was it possible that Balthazar was flirting with him a little? – when John came in and joined the conversation. Pedro was suddenly terrified that John would let something slip. As soon as he opened his mouth, Pedro cut across him. He couldn’t describe the sound that came out of his mouth – there had been words in his head, but they didn’t seem to make it to his mouth. He just sort of made some sounds, shutting John up, then realised that words should probably come next.

“No,” he said, not looking at Balthazar. “It’s – it’s not something that we’ve talked about. Ever.” He hoped that John would just get the message and shut up, which, luckily, he did. Unfortunately however, Ben seemed to have finally gotten over his shock at finding out about Pedro and had caught on quickly enough to what was going on. He wasn’t as kind as John, however. Ben seemed to think the best course of action was to make very pointed hints and say that he wouldn’t let any of them go anywhere until Pedro had admitted something. Eventually, Pedro had to give in.

“Okay,” he exclaimed finally, just to shut Benedick up. “Balthazar,” he said slowly. “Do you want to go outside with me?” He sounded so lame. Balthazar agreed, obviously, but his expression was so hard to read. At least Ben had finally shut up though. Balthazar followed him outside and they closed the door behind them.

“So what’s up?” Balthazar asked, ducking his head in the most adorable way, as he turned to face Pedro. Pedro didn’t know what to say, and the party noises from downstairs were making it really hard to focus. As was his proximity to Balthazar.

“Do you maybe want to go for a walk or something?” he asked finally. Balthazar nodded and they walked silently down the stairs and out the front door.

The cold night air had the desired effect, and Pedro’s mind cleared a bit, allowing him to think clearly. Unfortunately, this brought back all the reasons that Pedro hadn’t wanted to say anything to Balthazar in the first place. He knew that he still had a long way to go to earn his trust back, and he didn’t want to mess that up. When he met Balthazar’s eyes, his guilt came rushing back. He just shook his head and looked at his feet as they traced the familiar path around the block.

The silence stretched on however, and Pedro realised that he had to say something. It was too late, Ben had let the cat out of the bag. He just had to try and rectify the situation as best he could. He sighed and finally began speaking.

“Alright, well I’m guessing you’ve guessed what’s been going on, since Ben really wasn’t very subtle, but I guess – shit this is hard.”

Balthazar just chuckled, and waited for Pedro to go on.

“Alright so yeah, there may be a possibility that I may have recently realised that I might possibly have some semblance of possibly more than friendship feelings for you. Possibly.” He was still looking at his feet. “But it’s okay, I get it,” he ploughed on before Balthazar could say anything. “You already told me that you need time to be able to trust me as a friend even, let alone anything else, besides, I know you probably would never feel that way about me, I mean you’re so perfect and I’m so – yeah well, you know what I am, you’re the one who pointed it out in the first place. So you don’t have to say anything, I get it. It’s cool.”

Balthazar waited patiently while Pedro rambled on. When he had finally finished, Balthazar just smiled. “You do realise I’ve basically had a crush on you since like, Year Nine?” he said when he finally got the chance. Everyone had known about his crush, he had always sort of assumed that Pedro had an idea of it. By his reaction though, it seemed not. Pedro stopped walking and just stopped to stare at Balthazar, his mouth hanging open. Balthazar just laughed awkwardly and stared at his shoes.

When Pedro finally regained his composure, he closed his mouth tightly and refused to get his hopes up.

“Wow, that’s – I mean that’s incredible. But if you still don’t trust me enough or whatever it’s fine, I mean really, I get it –”

Balthazar rolled his eyes and shut Pedro up the only way he could think of. He had to stand on his tippy-toes, and he placed his hand on Pedro’s arm and just lightly pressed his lips to Pedro’s. It had the desired effect. Pedro shut up. He kissed Balthazar back for a moment – a beautiful, wonderful, amazing moment – but then he pulled away.

“Are you sure?” asked Pedro nervously, eyes full of worry as they danced around, taking in all of Balthazar’s face.

“Trust me, I’m sure,” smiled Balthazar, and he kissed Pedro again. This time, Pedro didn’t pull away.


	4. Talking it Out

The next few weeks were a blur of happiness for Pedro and Balthazar. They spent all their time together, be it at the cinema, or the beach, or just hanging out at each other’s houses. They were hardly ever apart. But when they were apart, they both had to admit that there was a slight tinge of something other than happiness in the time they spent together.

To Balthazar, it felt like panic. It was as if Pedro was trying to cram all this happiness in straight away because he was scared it would end too soon. Balthazar had tried to reassure him but the feeling of panic was still there.

To Pedro, it felt too good to be true. He still couldn’t forget all the things Balthazar had said to him, and he was convinced that Balthazar would eventually remember them and realise he didn’t want to be with Pedro anymore. Every time he looked into Balthazar’s eyes, Pedro saw all the looks Balthazar had given him that day – disappointment, anger, hurt, pity – they wouldn’t go away.

One evening, they found themselves lying on a picnic blanket on the beach, watching the sun go down. They had spent the day at the beach with their friends. When the others all packed up to leave, Pedro whispered to Balthazar that they should stay and watch the sunset. Balthazar had agreed, even though he could sense the panic behind Pedro’s request, as if he thought that once they parted for the evening they might not be together ever again.

And so they lay there, talking quietly about nothing in particular, watching the sky as it went from blue to orange to pink to red and eventually to black. The stars glittered above them and still they lay there. Pedro reached over to hold Balthazar’s hand. He needed to reassure himself that Balthazar was still there and wasn’t going anywhere just yet.

When Pedro took hold of his hand, Balthazar rolled over so he was lying on his side looking at Pedro. He studied Pedro’s face in the starlight, hoping maybe something about it would tell him what exactly was going on with Pedro. His face was relaxed, seemingly content, but Balthazar could see some tension in Pedro’s shoulders. What we he so scared of?

Balthazar had admitted to liking him since Year Nine, so surely he couldn’t be scared that Balthazar would leave him or just change his mind. And Pedro seemed so happy when they were together, surely he couldn’t be changing his mind? Maybe it was something else – maybe Pedro had found out he was moving across the world or something. That would suck. But it seemed pretty unlikely. Balthazar just couldn’t figure it out.

Pedro could feel Balthazar’s eyes studying him. At first he just let him. But the longer Balthazar stared at Pedro without saying anything, the more tense Pedro became. What if Balthazar suddenly remember all the bad things about Pedro? He knew it was inevitable, but he wasn’t ready for it to happen just yet.

He rolled over so that he was looking Balthazar square in the eye, their hands still clasped together. Balthazar smiled. Pedro smiled back. They lay like that, smiling, staring into each other’s eyes, for a long time. It was probably the middle of the night by this stage, but neither of them seemed to care. Their parents wouldn’t worry, they’d assume they were sleeping over somewhere – probably the Duke’s.

The longer Pedro stared into Balthazar’s eyes however, the harder it was to ignore the panicky feeling in the pit of his stomach. Slowly but surely, the smile slipped off his face and was replaced with an expression of fear.

Balthazar reached his free hand over to gently trace the outline of Pedro’s face. Pedro’s eyes closed as he enjoyed the sensation. When he opened them again, however, the look of fear was still there. Finally, he looked down and opened his mouth.

“Balth –” he said slowly, then paused, not sure how to go on. Balthazar just waited patiently in silence. “Balth I think I’m in love with you,” he said finally. That was not what he had meant to say. He hadn’t even realised that until he had said it. It made everything so much harder.

“Is that a bad thing?” asked Balthazar, a new smile on his face.

“No, of course not,” said Pedro hurriedly, not wanting to hurt Balthazar’s feelings. “Except that – well – yeah, I guess it is kind of a bad thing,” he said finally. He could see Balthazar trying to keep his face smooth and expressionless, but Pedro knew him well enough to see the hurt and confusion deep in his eyes. “It’s not to do with you though,” he rushed on. “Well obviously it’s to do with you, but not like that. It’s just – shit.” Pedro was having trouble finding the right words. On the one hand, he knew that it was time he got this out in the open, on the other hand though, he didn’t exactly want to remind Balthazar of all the things he had done wrong.

Balthazar reassured Pedro by squeezing his hand. “It’s okay, just tell me what’s going on,” he said softly. Pedro looked up, meeting Balthazar’s eyes again. He took a deep breath.

“It’s just that I really love you, I really care about you, and I’m so scared of what will happen when you realise you’re way too good for me.”

Balthazar was flabbergasted. He had not expected that. “Too – too good for you?” he asked in confusion. “How the hell do you work that out?”

Pedro frowned. “Balth, you’re the one who pointed it out in the first place,” he said.

Balthazar racked his brains, trying desperately to remember an incident where he might have said that he was too good for Pedro. Eventually his mind landed on a long conversation in his back garden a few weeks ago. Realisation dawned on him suddenly.

“Pedro, I never meant to say or imply in any way that I’m too good for you – that I’m better than you at all,” he said slowly, hoping his words would sink in. “Shit man, if I’d known that’s what you thought I never would have said it in the first place.”

“No, you needed to say it,” interrupted Pedro. “Before then I was an ass, I thought I was perfect. I don’t know how I ever thought that. But you’re the one who showed me how messed up I was. I needed someone to point that out.”

“Pedro I never meant that you were an All Round Awful Guy, just that you weren’t an All Round Great Guy. You know there are still so many qualities in you that are amazing, regardless of all the shit that went down. You’re still you, you just made some bad decisions. That doesn’t make you a bad guy. Just because you’re not perfect doesn’t make you worthless. It’s like –” Balthazar paused for a moment, struggling to find the words that would make Pedro understand. “It’s like, the world isn’t black and white. People aren’t either completely perfect or completely terrible. Everyone is somewhere in between. There’s no good guys and bad guys, no heroes and villains, just people. People who have different problems and different flaws. We're all only human in the end, and no one is better than anyone else, we just make different mistakes. You made a mistake that impacted a lot of people, but you’ve recognised that and you’ve been working at your problems with John and you’ve made up for what you did a hundred times over. That’s all I could have asked for. You earned my trust back weeks ago. I thought you knew that,” he finished lamely.

Pedro just grunted in exasperation. “Yeah I do know that, you told me that, but just because I earned your trust back doesn’t mean I deserved it. You’re just this amazing guy and you were so willing to forgive me and move on but it doesn’t change what I did and what I am and sooner or later you’re going to realise that, remember it, remember the kind of guy I really am and that’ll just hurt so much because I love you. So much.”

Balthazar bit his lip. “I’m not perfect either Pedro,” he said. “I’m not this amazing guy that you’re making me out to be. I have flaws and problems as well. I’ve made mistakes. I’m a coward, I’m afraid of everything. I had a crush on you since I was thirteen years old and I never once worked up the confidence to tell you. Not for five years, and when I eventually told you, it was only after you told me first. Even now – I’ve loved you pretty much since the night we got together - before, even - but I didn’t have the courage to tell you until you said it first just now. And I do love you Pedro, and nothing is going to change that. You made a mistake. It’s in the past. Everyone has forgiven you a hundred times over by now. Even Beatrice – Beatrice – is over it. I think you need to figure out how to put it in the past and leave it there. I know what you did. I haven’t forgotten. And I love you anyway. And I plan to continue loving you for quite some time. Is that clear enough for you?”

Balthazar looked into Pedro’s eyes determinedly, hoping that his words were enough to fully convince Pedro. Pedro bit his lip and let his mouth slowly but surely turn up into a smile. All the fear was gone from his expression. He nodded slowly.

“Crystal clear,” he said finally, a grin spreading across his face. Balthazar’s thumb moved back and forth over the back of Pedro’s hand in a comforting motion.

“Good,” said Balthazar firmly. “So. Now that we have that in the past, can we move onto more enjoyable subject matters?”

“Like what?” asked Pedro happily.

“So you really love me?” asked Balthazar, propping himself up on his elbow so he could look down at Pedro’s face. Pedro rolled his eyes.

“Yes, I really love you,” he said, rolling his eyes impatiently, but a huge grin was still plastered on his face. “And you’ve loved me for weeks now,” he said, somewhat accusatorily.

“Yep,” smiled Balthazar, as he leaned down towards Pedro’s mouth. “And it feels great.”

Pedro raised his head by a fraction to capture Balthazar’s mouth with his lips. It was like kissing Balthazar for the first time all over again. All their previous kisses had been tinged with fear in Pedro’s mind, but this was different. This was free and sincere and pure joy, like nothing he had ever felt before. This was love and he never wanted it to end. Pedro never wanted to stop kissing Balthazar, and the amazing thing was that he never really had to. He could kiss Balthazar whenever he wanted and he knew now that Balthazar wasn’t going anywhere. He felt like his heart might burst out of his chest with happiness in that moment.

It was a mutual feeling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so not sure how that turned out but oh well, it's up now! Hope you guys liked it :)


End file.
